Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
