If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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