does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
