i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
