dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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