I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
