So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
