Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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