I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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