i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize