omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
