Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
