***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
