Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize