"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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