We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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