You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
