she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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