the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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