i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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