Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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