my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
