this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
