Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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