she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
