Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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