I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
