why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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