I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
