I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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