So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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