I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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