Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
