your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
