I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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