Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
