I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
