Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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