I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
