So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
