I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
