ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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