I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize