I wish my penis had an off switch
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
