Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
