so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
