Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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