MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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