I'm sorry my penis didn't work
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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