I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can't special order awesome
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize