I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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