After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize