I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
