it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize