Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
