hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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