What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
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