i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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