I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My life is pants optional.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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