Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
