I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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