We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you never un-have a 4some
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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