Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
