I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
