If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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