i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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