my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
