the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
