Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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