so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
