you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
