Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
