I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
